


Boring Grey Room

by oneroughdraftaway



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Depression, Emptiness, I didn’t edit this., Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, ellison state park, evan is a jr park ranger, me projecting, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 13:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14749829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneroughdraftaway/pseuds/oneroughdraftaway
Summary: Something’s different. Evan is so used to eating lunch alone while the other rangers eat in the Lodge. But today he....he feels weird.





	Boring Grey Room

This is weird. 

Like...really fucking weird. 

Evan was supposed to be upset, right? He was supposed to be sobbing and screaming and loosing his mind at this point. 

But he wasn’t. Not at all, really. 

He was actually okay. 

It’s not like he was phased by eating lunch alone out by the trees again. The other apprentices would eat in the lodge. Evan had tried to be a part of their group but here he was. Alone again. 

But he was so numb to it that he wasn’t affected.

But he wasn’t even focused on eating. He was climbing a tree since he wasn’t all that hungry. And he loved climbing trees. It gave him a good chance to think about the short story he worked on during his free time. There was some plot kinks he was still working out. 

Plus he loved being up high and looking at everything around him. Finally being above everything and just breathing and thinking: ‘wow this is beautiful. Enjoy this, Evan. No you aren’t enjoying it enough, do better.’

He was working on a 40 foot oak tree. It was one of the biggest trees in the park and he’s been too nervous to do it before. But today was a good day.

Until the one thought appeared: “no one would notice if you killed yourself.” 

That was nothing new. Suicidal thoughts were run of the mill. Evan sighed and figured he may as well get this out soon instead of waiting to embarrass himself in front of the others. 

So he tried going further down the path of sadness. He wanted to tear himself up and be left completely broken and wrecked. That way he could pick up the pieces in a second so he could repeat the process in a day or two 

But nothing was sticking. Nothing hurt. Maybe it’d gotten old. After all, he’s been telling himself the same insults since he was in middle school. 

And he feels....weird. 

He feels nothing, actually. It’s...he reaches for some emotion or feeling to lack onto and make sense of this. But everything is...grey. And empty. Like he’s....standing in a grey empty room. 

Wow. Evan was much more descriptive than that. Usually he could make great analogies but....something was off. 

Evan looked out at the world and somehow it was different. It was just...trees. And sky. And far away buildings. And lakes. And grass. It was gorgeous, of course, but Evan could just stare at it. It didn’t invoke anything special or magical like usual. It was just...stuff. Material. 

He was still trapped in that boring grey room. It almost felt physical. He’d gotten that feeling in smaller doses, sure, that’s a part of being depressed. 

But that day as he stared out at the scenery he couldn’t differentiate the two. 

What would he do when he got down from this tree? Avoid the other apprentices? Count down seconds before he could go home and be Safe? And what would he do when the summer was over? Did he actually think he could make friends when this was all over? 

Did he think he’d ever make friends? 

And what would he do after high school? 

You see, Evan never imagined making it past high school. And he’s always felt like he needed to kill himself. Like that’d inevitably be his end. He had no choice, it was just destiny. 

And he was kind of freaked out. 

It didn’t feel serious to be scary. He wasn’t in danger or anything. This was.....fuck, what was it? Why was he feeling was weird? Wasn’t he fine a few minutes ago? 

Maybe climbing this tree wasn’t a good idea. 

As he sat on the limb he could feel himself falling despite him sitting perfectly still. Maybe it was some weird prophecy. A foretelling of the future. 

Why wait?

Usually Evan had a rational side telling him to think this through. Suicide wasn’t an option. 

And he didn’t feel it was. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Did he want to kill himself? Was he about to? 

He knew this should not be a spur of the moment deal. You can’t kill yourself on a whim. Just cuz. May as well. Why not? 

But as he stared blankly he wasn’t sure. 

There was nothing. Nothing but a longing deep within his chest. He was familiar with that but never in a physical form. Usually it was a thought or two encouraging him to end it. 

And in that moment he thought: why not? What do I have to loose?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I feel really weird. This is so basic and there’s 1,000 stories just like it but I feel weird and I need to project so I can calm myself down. I’m confused and need friends. This was boring and unedited. Sorry. Thank you for reading.


End file.
